Wish You Were Here

His heart was pure

His spirit untamed

So much left

Of him remains

A smile contagious

He stole the room

Forever I’ll miss him

He was taken far too soon

We shared so much love

For 20&a half years

Thinking of him

Fills my heart with sorrow & my eyes shed tears

Still no answer

Why did he go?

It’s too much & too hard to accept

So many things, I’ll never know

Forever with me

On his pillow I sleep

The last piece of him

I will always keep

Upon his headstone

A red rose will lay

Honoring his memory

He’d want it that way

I’ll love you always

& tuck you in my heart, hold you near

Kyle, my adored son

Wish you were here


Our First Thanksgiving Without Kyle

It was my first Thanksgiving without my adored 20yr old son, Kyle David, I lost him tragically on January 21, 2018…it’s been a very hard, brutal journey, for everyone that loves him, as all mothers know, their firstborn son holds a very special place in their hearts…

My youngest son, now only living child hugged me so tight today and told me “Mom, you’re not weird, you just know what is important and what really matters, we should be unaware like others but that’s not how it is for us anymore, no matter what I love you & you know Kyle loves you so much” he overheard me speaking to a relative about being around my old friends and how weird I feel around them now…it bothered him…he then took me to the kitchen and told me he was sorry for wiping half my gravy heart up, he said he saw the little bit drip while I was getting gravy for my mashed potatoes and he realized it was a heart…he said “mom you know that is from Kyle because he would have never wasted mashed potatoes” it was a moment of laughter and embracing Kyle’s memory instead of sadness…it was truly beautiful and helped us connect with each other again, pain can make us separate but ultimately, Love prevails💙

We didn’t have a Happy Thanksgiving, we did, however had a few special moments & that is enough, fragility exists in our lives now and acceptance of it happened today…I know a lot of people suffered pain today without their loved ones, life is so cruel, I cannot agree that it is fair by any means… I hope everyone here found at least one moment of peace today. God Bless & a healing Thanksgiving!

*Thanksgiving 2018*

Kyle’s City

Kyle’s City…I remember the Dejà vu, mind boggling moment I had when I realized what Kyle was telling & showing me. I did not think my 22 month old was seriously going over blueprints to his world as he knew it. I immediately scooped Kyle up & slung him on my hip & called for his father & our company we had, at the time.

I sat Kyle back down in front of his creation, smiled so proudly at him & told him to start over what he told mommy, as I wanted him to tell everyone. He matter of factly scanned the room of his audience and he began with “kayyy, but lishen” he then began to explain Kyle’s City.

He had his rug that was printed with roads, a rug for kids to run their cars on. He also collected his “little people “ houses and bat cave, hot wheels ramps & of course his ridiculous seismic collection of Hot Wheels & Matchbox cars.

As he pointed to his grandfather’s house, he showed his grandfathers truck and station wagon-I will not leave out that they were identical in color & the cars were basically mini versions of the actual vehicles that his grandfather owned, also parked in the spots his grandfather parked them…this continues, to every house we traveled too.

We then get to our company’s house. I’ll never forget the love in Tim and Courtney’s eyes, they appreciated that Kyle acknowledged their presence in his life, and when Kyle said “Im (Tim), yours wurk ban (Van)” and there was his white carpet van and then Courtney’s black Honda parked in the driveway of their “little people” house.

There were so many people that Kyle had in his City, he knew how who lived North, East, South & West. It was brilliant. I remember being so proud of him, not because of the brilliance in it…because of the love and tremendous amount in it he carried in his heart to think of so many people in his life and to make it “Kyle’s City”

I then knew my son had a heart bigger than the feet that held him up from Kyle’s City.

Kyle is the most authentic, loving, loyal & gentle human being I have ever known, & I as I remember these beautiful moments in time… I can’t help but think about how much I knew that he was different, his heart, his purpose, he was special. Was this a warning?

Someone so special, we don’t keep them forever…that’s how the story always goes.

I was highly favored and blessed to be given such an honor to be Kyle’s mother, he touched many lives, mine especially. An angel walking earth, a beautiful soul😇

The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the room-

It’s like the dryer turning, it sounds like it’s building up to something, but stays at a “about to explode” perfect turn every time.

It’s like being on a roller coaster and the 4 secs before they drop your cart.

It’s like looking around in a panic suddenly because you called your toddlers name twice with no response.

It’s all this energy confined in a silent wave, amongst others, feeling surreal and uncomfortable. All of this, while enduring complete helplessness to it all…

This is big-

This is the Elephant in the Room.

Just a memory

Kyle, sweet beautiful Kyle🥰I adore Kyle, I looked up to him…Kyle moved out of the house briefly to his own apartment, i got him some furniture, plates, linens…just exhausting that day, I remember. After I finished me & Kyle took a drive to the gas station for his junk food issues(he got it honest)we were in my vehicle, so we listened to my music…I named Kyle’s brother, Gavin after the Bush lead singer…still proud of it, lol
We were listening to a now hauntingly beautiful song of theirs, and having conversations about what album it was for his Apple Music(we both appreciate that service:)& it got brought up about his brother and how he “actually” got his name…Kyle’s response was so handsomely smug and proud🥰”I didn’t know Gavin had a cool name”, “why didn’t I get a cool name?” I looked at him and I remember him being so beautiful, just glowing and I told him he’s the coolest person I know & am positive that it will never change, the silence while we listened to the rest of the song was still like a tight hug-I love my son.